Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm both gender and math confused
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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