Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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