so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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