We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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