woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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