I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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