I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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