after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
