Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
