he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
