somebody snuck up and got me drunk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
