My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
