Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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