you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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