As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
