I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
