im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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