No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
