Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
