I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
