After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
