So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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