there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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