Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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