by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
