while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How naked do you want me to be?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
