there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
