Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
