I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
