I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
