Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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