I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
