i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
