1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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