No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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