So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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