and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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