I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
