just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
