You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
