genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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