youre lurking in front of me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
