Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
