Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
