I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Why is your signature on my underwear?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
