a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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