if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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