i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
