nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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