Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
