she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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